Self Inflicted
by padfoot's prose
Summary: For the HPFC Random Challenge. Alice knows that she isn't in love with Sirius Black, just with the idea of loving him. But still, when his hair falls into his eyes just so perfectly, it's not like she isn't tempted by his charms. AlicexSirius MWPP


**[SPELLING & GRAMMAR CHECKED 8/11/10]**

**Another oneshot for HPFC 'Random Challenge'. And it's very different to my other one.**

**I've written as Alice before, usually just slipping her in as Lily's friend, so i don't know if I've got her voice right or not. Honestly, I've always thought she's the kind of girl who just wants to have fun, so that's what I went with. Hope you like it!**

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_Pairing: Alice/Sirius_

_Prompt: Ice Cream_

_Song: Self-Inflicted by Katy Perry_

_Era: MWPP's fifth year_

_Word Count: __1196_

_POV: Alice, 1st person_

There's something addictive about love. Something that pulls you in, like the creamy texture of ice cream on a hot day. Something that holds you there, feeling the cool, sweet taste of it on your tongue and just knowing that you're going to swallow. Something that makes you love it – forces you, coerces you into wanting it – even when your past tells you never to try it again.

Love like that – love that isn't so much about purity and truth, or fireworks behind your eyes and romantic midnight strolls on the Qudditch pitch – is dangerous. It lures you in every time, dangling like bait on a hook before your gaping mouth, just knowing that you can't resist taking a bite. And when that pain strikes, the hook catching in your lip, you realise that it was all self-inflicted. That danger and that temptation wasn't love's fault. It was yours.

Which is precisely why I do not, and will not ever be attracted to Sirius Black. He's ice cream - one of those cruel things that is inflicted upon teenage girls for the sole purpose of making them suffer, knowing that to have it would be to go against everything that you've ever been taught to resist. I mean, how could any guy possibly be any more tempting? With hair that falls over his eyes just so perfectly, the edge of his misty grey irises just peeking out from behind the dark strands. And don't even get me started on his cheekbones. Seriously, I swear I could write a essay on Sirius Black's cheekbones.

Which is exactly why, seeing as I'm not attracted to him, I will stop staring at him right... now! Now! NOW!

It's okay, I'm pretty sure I looked away before he saw me.

"Alice?" Lily's voice sounded suspicious.

As I turned to look at her, I silently prayed that she had been diligently working on her Potions homework, rather than watching her best friend as she watched Sirius Black. Who she _so_ _isn't_ attracted to.

"Yes, Lily?"

Her expression was puzzled more than accusing, but I knew how quickly that could change. Lily's temper was famous for its unpredictability. No one knew that better than me, who had been on the receiving end of many yells and tantrums over the past four years of our friendship.

"What were you staring at?"

I tried to act clueless. "Me? Staring? No, I was just thinking about my um..." I glanced down at the papers on my desk, trying to be subtle. "Um, my tranfiguratory... werewolf..." Unfortunately, none of the papers were mine, instead belonging to an unfortunate first-year whose seat I'd stolen. Oops.

"Thinking about your transfiguratory-werewolf, were you? Yeah, I daydream about them, too. What are they, again? The newest 'Tranformers' toys?"

I knew that this comment was intended to mock me, but as I didn't know what a Transformers toy was (probably some Muggle thing to do with plugs), I was probably much less offended than I should've been.

"No," I said curtly, choosing to answer her first question. "I didn't mean that I was thinking about a transfiguration-whatever. I just meant that I wasn't staring at anything."

Lily smirked. "Okay then, so if weren't staring at any_thing_, were you staring at any_one_?"

"No."

She was clearly smiling at me now, having fun with her teasing.

"You're lying."

"No, I'm not."

"Yes, you are."

"I'm not!"

"Are, too!"

"Are not!"

"Are too!"

"Are not!"

"Are not!

"Are too! What-?"

"Gotcha! See, I knew you were staring. So, who were staring at?"

I felt blood rush to my cheeks, very aware that all the eyes in the Gryffindor common room were now on me, having been disrupted by our argument, and eager to see what would come of it.

"No one..." I mumbled, already feeling far more humiliated than I would have if I'd just told Lily it was Sirius to begin with.

"C'mon, Alice, I know it was _someone_!"

"Talking about me, ladies?"

We both looked up, and I blanched at the sight of Sirius Black, right there in front of me, looking down at us with a smug grin on his handsome face.

"No," Lily said shortly, injecting as much acid into the word as possible.

Sirius shrugged. "My mistake," he apologised, "I hear that girls have been staring, I assume it's at me. It's an easy mistake to make."

Lily rolled her eyes as I tried to hold back a giggle. Sirius saw me laughing and shot me a wink. My stomach did an uncomfortable somersault, but I ignored it, winking back. Seeing this, Lily made a quiet sound of disgust.

"Well, seeing as I'm clearly not wanted here" – Sirius shot a pointed look at Lily, who had already looked away again, and was apparently concentrating on her homework, stonily ignoring him – "I'll go."

He turned to leave, but before he could move out of reach, I leaned forward and touched his arm, my hand lingering on his skin. Looking back at me, his lips curved into my favourite wolfish grin.

"What if you _are_ wanted?" I asked coyly.

He raised his eyebrows suggestively, and I tilted my head, daring him to suspect the worst of my words.

"Come see me later," he said.

I nodded and leant back in my chair, watching as he sidled away. He disappeared out the portrait hole and I looked back down at the papers in front of me.

"What was _that_ about?" Lily asked, her gaze fixing sternly on me.

I tried to sound dismissive as I shrugged, "You were the one who asked me who I was staring at. That was just my way of telling you."

I laughed at her disgusted expression.

"Sirius Black? Honestly, Alice, you know he's never going to love you. You are addicted to guys that hurt you."

"I know he's not perfect," I assured her, "But I can't stop what I'm feeling now, it's too late. And I don't actually care if I lose and if I get hurt. It's not the pain of guys like him that I'm addicted to. It's the love."

Lily sighed, already having seen the results of my addiction all too often.

"Just don't let him hurt you," she warned.

I nodded, knowing that she'd never understand.

It's like I said before: It's not love's fault that you get hurt sometimes. It's not the ice cream's fault that it tastes so good, making you always want more and more, even when you know you've had too much. Those bits – the bad bits – are just another part of the entire experience. You wouldn't eat ice cream if it wasn't so good. You wouldn't fall in love if there was no risk in it, no thrill of that pain that may or may not come. It's all about the chance, the danger, the feeling of walking along a tightrope, knowing how easy it would be to fall off.

Young love's like jumping out an airplane, riding a tidal wave on an ocean of emotion.

I can't stop,  
Don't care if I lose.  
These wounds are self-inflicted -  
One more thing that I'm addicted to.

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**Yes, I know the lyrics at the end don't quite work, but I couldnt figure out a way to finish it off nicely. And actually, I quite like them. I think they fit.**


End file.
